Today was a good day. Better than Ive had in a while. Today I took the boys on a Hike of Silver Falls. Rowan did amazing! He walked the whole way! Orion did good too. He was grumpy, because it was nap time, and then it only got worse when he got tired of walking, but then we had lunch and played with some new friends. Rowan met and made friends with a little boy; Ransome (sorry if i spelled it wrong) Im not sure why, but I found it envigorating to watch the boys play. We have been spending SO MUCH time in the house because I have been battling my own temper lately, that I forgot how much fun we can have.
it also occured to me today how little credit I give the boys. I almost never let them walk at the store, or let them outside my arms reach when we are out and about. Today i let them both walk at the grocery store (instead of putting them in the cart) and they stayed right with me. at the hike, rowan stayed right with the group (for the most part) and even held hands with Ransoms dad/mom. Orion was a little bit more wrangling required, but i think that is to be expected from an almost-2 yr old. I think i am going to try to really start giving them space. letting them do their own things. Rowan is almost 4. I know that he isnt ready to go out and live alone, but maybe he doesnt need to be under my thumb all the time either. At what point in life do we 'grow up'? i know that he isnt anywhere near an adult, but he also isnt a baby anymore. I am having alot of trouble finding a happy medium on where he falls. Must just be a part of parenting.
Today (again) eric worked 14 hours. Last night he didnt come home till 4am. when he pulls this stuff it really makes me feel like he doesnt want to be here (at the house, with me). I know that he is having a really hard time with insomnia right now, and i dont want to expect him to stare at the walls all night cuz he cant sleep, but at the same time, sometimes i feel like i am raising the boys alone. when he is home, he is like a zombie because he doesnt sleep enough... (generaly 3 to 4 hours a night) but he doesnt see it. And that makes me Bitchy because i am irritated. then it turns into a spiral that just gets worse.
This isnt to say that i am not happily married. because i am! i love eric and my boys with all of my heart. i am having 'me' troubles. trying to figure out where my priorities lay, and who i want to be. I have been told by friends that i 'lost the essence of Stephanie' when i had rowan, and it has just gotten more and more buried in being a mommy. Basically i was told that i am no fun, and that all i care about is my kids. I dont have any hobbies, and i dont do anything that isnt "for" my kids... i dont party (which i am not so sure is a bad thing) anymore, and i dont really have anyone in my life that doesnt have kids. I am (evidentally) mean to everyone around me, and i drive people away from me just so i can start fights about it. I dont see these things happen, but i trust those who have said these things. I dont want to be like that! I want to be fun. i want to have a life. I want to have friends and hobbies. BUT i also want to be a good mom. i want to be a part of every part of my childrens lives. I dont want someone else to raise my kids just so i can have a job, and i really really dont want to end up ruining anyones life (eric, or my kids) I just dont know where a happy middle is. Maybe i should go see a shrink... only if i could find a free one. LOL. Obviously trying to deal by myself isnt working. Prozac is only taking the edge off the anxiety, and the frusteration. what else is there? i dont want to self medicate, but i cant let things be this way. it will cost me my husband and my friend(s).
hmmm... this is getting pretty deep... maybe i just need to think about it for a while.
~Stephanie Collins
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