its been a while

it always comes back to journaling or diaries or something of that nature. When life gets us down, and people are not as available or trustworthy as our inner confidential needs require; there is always a journal; a diary, a blog, a piece of construction paper, SOMETHING. Occasionally; we, as humans, just need to let it all out. This keeps us from bottling up all of our negativity, and letting it poison us from the inside out.
This is exactly what i have been doing; and its time to stop. So, after 5 years.... yes its been 5 years... crazy!
... i am returning to the basics. letting it all out. This is my safe place. If you are reading this and dont like something; too bad. This was started as a place for me to vent and share the ups and downs of motherhood...

my version of motherhood has changed alot in the last 5 years. Going back and reading the few posts i did have here made me meloncholy... the marraige failed, and so did the 'amazing' boyfriend i had after that. what i did get out of it was another beautiful child. A girl who i raise by myself because he tuned out to be NOT SO AWESOME.
I live a life of Autism Awareness, ADHD kids, and princess dresses. The kids are now ages 10, 8, and 5. and i am officially OLD... i feel old too. Work, kids, and everything in between has just taken the life right out of me. i hope to find my way back into social society some day; but for now, its nose to the grindstone; and getting shit done.

stephanie

sweet boys

10/07/09

Today is a good day. woke up in his arms, get to go to work, will see babies and maybe even get new ink!
Life has been interesting lately. the end of a marraige brought a wonderful man into my life. He is fun amd sexy and he makes me feel beautiful. I don't think he's in for life (not really a marraige man) but man! I'm havin fun! I do miss my family tho, and I worry that this divorce will hurt my children down the road. we don't fight in front of the kids, and it seems to me that we actually get along better. but then again, kiddos are much more perceptive than we think. I'm sure they know what's up.
:0(

9/25/09

testing, testing 123.....(blogger mobile app)

6/27/09

Today was actually good. I spent some time in Silverton with my sister and her kids, and my mom. the boys had a really good time till the inevitable squabbling began.

i am making real progress with my inner search for Stephanie. I had a deep chat with eric last night about what we liked and dont like about our lives together. and i asked him about what his favorite thing about ME is. He told me his favorite thing i do is when i am really comfortable somewhere i tend to break out in geek mode and make jokes, and laugh. evidentally i dont do that often anymore. I will have to try harder to 'loosen up' and have a good time.

i cant wait till OCF. less than 2 weeks! 3 days of sun and freedom. no kids to chase, no cups to fill, and no diapers to change! (i love my kids, but after almost 4 years of near constant child rearing, i think i have earned a vacation) we have been saving some money so we can take it with us and have a good time. I will have to post some pics of the good time! :) i am really hoping to get my body painted. (from belly button up) Last year i saw some of the most amazing painted people. I am not sure that i will have the guts to walk around topless all day tho. it will definately be an experience if i can make myself do it. my body isnt 'ugly'... it isnt beautiful and toned either. maybe paint will help cover the imperfections... i remember last year we took our sons with us. Orion was only about 8 months old. I wore him in a moby wrap, and i was topless underneith. it was very liberating.

I am really hoping that upon our return from OCF i wont be wound quite so tight all the time. I have supplimented my wordrobe with quite a few 'hippie' type of items. comfortable, loose, and natural fibers. (for the most part) Lately i have been rocking the strapless and/or bra-less styles. i think they actually look ok. I have a few strapless sun dresses and one tube-type top, as well as i bought a black tiny tye on bikini. i dont know if i will actually wear the bikini with out clothes on top, but its a staple in my book. :) one of my favorite items is a black wrap dress. I feel sexy and beautiful in it!

ok. Im rambling because i am exhausted... at least eric bartered his soul with me tonight.... well, not his soul, per say. He wanted to stay out with tamara late tonight so i make him agree to get up with the boys and let me sleep in... my favorite! lol

ok. goodnight Blogger Universe!

~Stephanie Collins

June 26, 2009

Today was a good day. Better than Ive had in a while. Today I took the boys on a Hike of Silver Falls. Rowan did amazing! He walked the whole way! Orion did good too. He was grumpy, because it was nap time, and then it only got worse when he got tired of walking, but then we had lunch and played with some new friends. Rowan met and made friends with a little boy; Ransome (sorry if i spelled it wrong) Im not sure why, but I found it envigorating to watch the boys play. We have been spending SO MUCH time in the house because I have been battling my own temper lately, that I forgot how much fun we can have.

it also occured to me today how little credit I give the boys. I almost never let them walk at the store, or let them outside my arms reach when we are out and about. Today i let them both walk at the grocery store (instead of putting them in the cart) and they stayed right with me. at the hike, rowan stayed right with the group (for the most part) and even held hands with Ransoms dad/mom. Orion was a little bit more wrangling required, but i think that is to be expected from an almost-2 yr old. I think i am going to try to really start giving them space. letting them do their own things. Rowan is almost 4. I know that he isnt ready to go out and live alone, but maybe he doesnt need to be under my thumb all the time either. At what point in life do we 'grow up'? i know that he isnt anywhere near an adult, but he also isnt a baby anymore. I am having alot of trouble finding a happy medium on where he falls. Must just be a part of parenting.

Today (again) eric worked 14 hours. Last night he didnt come home till 4am. when he pulls this stuff it really makes me feel like he doesnt want to be here (at the house, with me). I know that he is having a really hard time with insomnia right now, and i dont want to expect him to stare at the walls all night cuz he cant sleep, but at the same time, sometimes i feel like i am raising the boys alone. when he is home, he is like a zombie because he doesnt sleep enough... (generaly 3 to 4 hours a night) but he doesnt see it. And that makes me Bitchy because i am irritated. then it turns into a spiral that just gets worse.

This isnt to say that i am not happily married. because i am! i love eric and my boys with all of my heart. i am having 'me' troubles. trying to figure out where my priorities lay, and who i want to be. I have been told by friends that i 'lost the essence of Stephanie' when i had rowan, and it has just gotten more and more buried in being a mommy. Basically i was told that i am no fun, and that all i care about is my kids. I dont have any hobbies, and i dont do anything that isnt "for" my kids... i dont party (which i am not so sure is a bad thing) anymore, and i dont really have anyone in my life that doesnt have kids. I am (evidentally) mean to everyone around me, and i drive people away from me just so i can start fights about it. I dont see these things happen, but i trust those who have said these things. I dont want to be like that! I want to be fun. i want to have a life. I want to have friends and hobbies. BUT i also want to be a good mom. i want to be a part of every part of my childrens lives. I dont want someone else to raise my kids just so i can have a job, and i really really dont want to end up ruining anyones life (eric, or my kids) I just dont know where a happy middle is. Maybe i should go see a shrink... only if i could find a free one. LOL. Obviously trying to deal by myself isnt working. Prozac is only taking the edge off the anxiety, and the frusteration. what else is there? i dont want to self medicate, but i cant let things be this way. it will cost me my husband and my friend(s).

hmmm... this is getting pretty deep... maybe i just need to think about it for a while.

~Stephanie Collins

My First Blog

ahhhh... an outlet for my frustrations and excitements~ (hopefully). Recently i was listening to the radio and the topic of discussion was diarys and the like. I got to thinking how much i used to love writing everynight. I have even come across some of the 'journals' that i kept while i was pregnant; and it was AWESOME to be able to go back to that, even if just for a moment; to experience again whatever was so exciting, or frusterating enough to warrant a diary entry.

::Warning::
I hope that anyone who reads this understands that these are going to be my personal feeling/opinions AT THE MOMENT of posting. Said personal feeling and opinions can change drastically quickly. Just because i post it; that doesnt mean its in stone forever. (prozac is helping, but not that much) I am sorry if anyone is offended by anything i post, or if i hurt anyones feelings. I need an outlet, and that is exactly what i am going to use it for. it will be the Overflow parking for erroneous thought in my life. :0)

With all that said: Let the Blogging begin!!

~Stephanie Collins